1 in 8.
Those are hard numbers to swallow if you're the one.
I am/was the one. Friend, I know your pain. I know the heartache. The out of body feeling as you sit cold in a hospital gown stunned in silence at what the Doctor just told you. I get it. I heard the same thing. The impossibility hit me too. Right in the gut. In that moment, I would've rather had been hit by a bus.
Maybe it's you I'm writing to. Maybe you're the one I've been praying for this week. My heart has been heavy at the thought of you. You're dreading Sunday. You wish you could just go and hide and not have to face the warm congratulations that surround all those around you. I know, I've been there. Not too long ago, I ran out of a church service and hid in a room and bawled while Mothers were being honored. It cut me to the core. The pain was real, it was intense.
I'm a young bride. I got married 6 weeks shy of my 19th birthday. I knew something was different about me based on my teenage years. I knew that my hormones worked differently than others. I just assumed it was normal. Maybe my body just wasn't finished working out the kinks just yet.
My husband and I had been married 6 months, almost to the day. It was a Sunday. May 6th to be exact. We had great services at church all day and I just felt good. It was one of those days where you feel like the sun is shining on you everywhere you go. I took some pictures after church that night with some friends. I still have them, they turned out really well! We went home afterwards and I started to feel odd. I didn't really know how to explain it. My husband asked me what was wrong and I told him "Oh, I am just cramping pretty bad." That's all it was in my mind. I thought back over the last few weeks and realized it had been a while so maybe my body was just resetting. We laid down and I laid there in agony. I took some medicine to try to cut the pain, it didn't work. Hours passed and I began to feel like something was very wrong. I got up and made my way to the bathroom. I had a sinking feeling. I suddenly started crying and didn't know why. Everything ached. Then, it happened. I became 1 in 4. I realized what was going on. I didn't want to believe it... But regardless of my resistance, it was true. I was distraught and laid there in the floor sobbing.
I went on to lose yet another precious child about a year and a half later. I still wasn't quite sure what was going on. All I knew was that the doctor had said I have PCOS. I did some research into that and figured out I had it worse than most, my symptoms were on the more severe side of the chart. A friend pointed me in the direction of another doctor who could help. I went to him expecting him to tell me that the others were wrong and that there was hope for me. We did blood tests, ultrasounds and exams and I sat patiently waiting for results. When they arrived, the Doctor walked in and was a little quieter than I cared for. He said "Well, they're not terrible, but they certainly aren't good." He went on to explain what certain levels were and what they meant and then got to the hard part. He said, "Without a miracle, it looks like it probably won't happen for you. Your body can get pregnant, but won't ever carry a baby to term. Now, I have some options..." My mind shut off at that point. Devastated, was a total
understatement. I walked out of that appointment feeling more broken than I have ever felt. We went on with the medications, I used everything like he told me to. More months passed. We had a service one night at church that was just phenomenal. You couldn't stand there and say you didn't feel the presence of God. I felt him nudge my heart and in that moment I felt peace. I decided "it is well." No matter what happened from that point I knew I was okay.
A few months later, my husband and I were talking late one evening and I had this silly music running through my head. I didn't know where it came from, but it played on repeat through the halls of my mind. So I decided to put words to it... "We're gonna have a baby, we're gonna have a baby, we're gonna have a baby and her name is Addyson Grace." He laughed, and we joked about how he wanted a boy and I told him that it was going to be a girl. The next month, we decided I would stop one of the medications just to see where we were at and how my body would handle not being on it. Everything went as we planned and we marched on through the holidays. My husband and I are the Children's Pastor's of our church and each December, we have a big event called the Static Kids Awards. The night went perfectly and we were so thrilled with it. The next day, we went back to the church to break it all down and put everything away. While we were there, I was incredibly moody. One minute I was happy, the next I was screaming. It was very odd for me to be like that. I just assumed I was over tired. The next morning, we got up for church and again, I was in a mood. My husband had enough of it, and said "Are you pregnant or something because you're acting nuts! Go take a test." The words hit me like a ton of bricks and in that moment I was so angry with him because he knew how badly I wanted to be a mother. He listened to my tears through 19 negative pregnancy tests. I went to go take one just to spite him...
As I completed the test and looked at the test window I saw just 1 line and set it on the edge of the counter and cried. That was number 20. I was overwhelmed and it hit me in that moment that it really may never happen. Something told me to look again. I picked it up, and was going to throw it in the trash, but something said "Look again." I looked one more time at the test window and dropped it. For the first time EVER, I saw 2 pink lines. I was pregnant. I opened the door of the bathroom, walked out to where my husband was and through sobs said "It's positive." He bolted up off the couch and said "No it's not!" And ran over to me and took the test out of my shaking hands. When he saw the lines, he cried right along with me. We couldn't wait to tell our families about the miracle that was taking place! Fear immediately gripped my heart, "What if I lose it? I can't go through that again..." That same peace that visited me in that church service months ago came over me and I knew I would be okay. Our baby would be okay. Addyson Grace was going to be okay.
God had his hand on me through the entire pregnancy. I never had any major complications. Not one! I was terribly sick throughout, but I know my thoughts can run away sometimes so I'm sure God was just letting me know that I was definitely pregnant.
 |
| 42 hours of labor, a rough delivery, but so very worth it. |
Friend, I know the pain of miscarriage. I know the heartbreak of infertility. I also have been privileged to know the joy of a miracle. Don't lose sight of your miracle! Keep your faith in God and trust that He is working it out for you. God is still in the miracle working business! If He did it for me I know beyond a shadow of a doubt, He WILL do it for you.
Just know that you're not forgotten. I hear you, more importantly, He hears you. You are loved, valued, and respected. You may not have your baby here with you, but you are still a mother. You may not have given birth, but those children you helped or are helping raise make you a mother. Your child may bark, scratch, and live in a kennel, you are still a mother.
So from one Mother to another... Happy Mother's Day!
Love, hugs, and many prayers,
Lindsey 
️
