Here we go...
Most all of my friends know that I struggle with hormone fluctuations in my body and have a difficult time staying healthy because of it. What some may not know is that it has caused me to have 2 miscarriages... I've lost 2 children.
Writing it and saying it out loud makes it seem so surreal... But sadly, it is a reality that I live with every day. I have joined the ranks of thousands of women who will never know the joy of those children. Some say that "time heals all wounds" but I think nothing could be more wrong. The more years, weeks and days that pass, the more I miss those special moments I should be experiencing. Please, don't take this as a complaint. Don't think I'm being a "Debbie downer", I'm just being real.
I struggled for a long time after my first loss with resentment and bitterness. I could not comprehend how MY God could let me go through such an awful thing, and so young. I had done nothing but stay faithful when all others walked away. I spent all my free time working at and for the church, I centered my entire life around church events, I was constantly thinking of how I could reach more people... How could this be my reward? I held that pain for a long time.
As I healed, I began to hope. Hope that soon I would be healed and be able to conceive again. The holidays came and with it came the stress of planning various events and musicals. I felt tired all the time but chalked it up to business. One night, after an exceptionally long day, I settled down for the evening and my body finally relaxed... Just long enough to lose my second baby. I was numb. I did not want to accept that what had just happened, in fact, happened... Again.
More sorrow came... More tears... Then peace. A sweet peace that God had a greater plan.
Several times I have been prayed for. I fully believe that God will/has been healing my body. I still have questions, I still doubt, but I have been working through it all. In prayer a few weeks ago, something hit me. A realization I suppose. I have been asking God to touch my body and heal these hormones that are out of sync so that I can conceive. Not so that I can feel better, but so I can experience the joy that every other woman gets to experience. What am I doing? Why am I praying this. I should pray for healing. Not just for a baby.
Then it happened... I heard Him speak to me.
He said...
What if I don't? Then what? Will you still trust me?
I was overwhelmed....
But God, why would... How could you not?
Again...
Will you still trust me?
Oh.... Lord, how selfish am I? Who am I to demand such a thing from God? How could I not have seen and realized that by continuing to plead and storm Heavens gates for a child that I was not trusting Him to do His work? I have never felt so broken in my life as I did in that moment. My whole being crumbled at the foot of the cross as I wept over my selfish heart's cry.
As tears flowed down my face I felt it happen... Peace filled my soul. I had no words but those of an old hymn... It is well.
It is well with my soul. If God heals me, I'll praise Him! If he doesn't, I'll praise Him! It is well with my soul.
Sometimes we get so wrapped up in our problems that we don't allow God to move on our behalf. Or like me, we don't trust him to. We demand a result from him as if He should answer to our every beck and call. When instead, He just wants us to be still and know...
I am fighting back tears as I finish this post... I can't believe that He loves me as much as he does! I am so unworthy of such a worthy God.
So when troubles rise... It is well.
When sorrow comes... It is well.
When joy comes... It is well.
When, and if, a child ever comes... It is well.
It is well with my soul.
