Here we go...
Most all of my friends know that I struggle with hormone fluctuations in my body and have a difficult time staying healthy because of it. What some may not know is that it has caused me to have 2 miscarriages... I've lost 2 children.
Writing it and saying it out loud makes it seem so surreal... But sadly, it is a reality that I live with every day. I have joined the ranks of thousands of women who will never know the joy of those children. Some say that "time heals all wounds" but I think nothing could be more wrong. The more years, weeks and days that pass, the more I miss those special moments I should be experiencing. Please, don't take this as a complaint. Don't think I'm being a "Debbie downer", I'm just being real.
I struggled for a long time after my first loss with resentment and bitterness. I could not comprehend how MY God could let me go through such an awful thing, and so young. I had done nothing but stay faithful when all others walked away. I spent all my free time working at and for the church, I centered my entire life around church events, I was constantly thinking of how I could reach more people... How could this be my reward? I held that pain for a long time.
As I healed, I began to hope. Hope that soon I would be healed and be able to conceive again. The holidays came and with it came the stress of planning various events and musicals. I felt tired all the time but chalked it up to business. One night, after an exceptionally long day, I settled down for the evening and my body finally relaxed... Just long enough to lose my second baby. I was numb. I did not want to accept that what had just happened, in fact, happened... Again.
More sorrow came... More tears... Then peace. A sweet peace that God had a greater plan.
Several times I have been prayed for. I fully believe that God will/has been healing my body. I still have questions, I still doubt, but I have been working through it all. In prayer a few weeks ago, something hit me. A realization I suppose. I have been asking God to touch my body and heal these hormones that are out of sync so that I can conceive. Not so that I can feel better, but so I can experience the joy that every other woman gets to experience. What am I doing? Why am I praying this. I should pray for healing. Not just for a baby.
Then it happened... I heard Him speak to me.
He said...
What if I don't? Then what? Will you still trust me?
I was overwhelmed....
But God, why would... How could you not?
Again...
Will you still trust me?
Oh.... Lord, how selfish am I? Who am I to demand such a thing from God? How could I not have seen and realized that by continuing to plead and storm Heavens gates for a child that I was not trusting Him to do His work? I have never felt so broken in my life as I did in that moment. My whole being crumbled at the foot of the cross as I wept over my selfish heart's cry.
As tears flowed down my face I felt it happen... Peace filled my soul. I had no words but those of an old hymn... It is well.
It is well with my soul. If God heals me, I'll praise Him! If he doesn't, I'll praise Him! It is well with my soul.
Sometimes we get so wrapped up in our problems that we don't allow God to move on our behalf. Or like me, we don't trust him to. We demand a result from him as if He should answer to our every beck and call. When instead, He just wants us to be still and know...
I am fighting back tears as I finish this post... I can't believe that He loves me as much as he does! I am so unworthy of such a worthy God.
So when troubles rise... It is well.
When sorrow comes... It is well.
When joy comes... It is well.
When, and if, a child ever comes... It is well.
It is well with my soul.
Lindsey, this is so beautifully written.
ReplyDeleteWhile I didn't not lose a child.......... i was just barren for years and years. and I longed and prayed for the same gifts and blessings to come to me. For my body to be healed and for a child to be gifted. It took me about 4 years. To realize I needed to change those thoughts. It came to me after years of being barren and years of coming to almost having dare I say it a "hatred" for My Father who wouldn't let something so amazing, something that to me was the most wonderful miracle ever to happen to me. and one day out of the blue it just hit me. I was being selfish, While during that time i was angry at the world and God, I had done nothing but build walls and tear my self away from the Heavenly Father. At that moment, I stopped and realized I would love him whether or not I ever had a child. That Just because I wasn't being given a gift that I thought I deserved and should be mine, I was lashing out like a child who didn't get their way by throwing a tantrum. When K, and I re "met" That was one of the first things I said, I cant have children and that is fine with me if its something you want then you should move on and look for another wife.... (or about how i said it) And out of the blue, in the middle of no where.......... We were blessed. I'm not saying that if we had not had the boys we wouldn't be. But, Because we have them I feel we are. And that's where their first names all come into play. I don't say this to sadden your heart in anyway. I say this because God knows the plans he has for us! He knows what is in store. And your coming to the place where you are happy and all is well with your soul................. is a great thing and a sign to him......... of your faithfulness. HE knows that if/when you are blessed You will raise up your children in the ways of the Lord!!!! Blessings to you! Hugs thoughts, prayers, and tons of love from us!!!
This is dear to my hear because my baby girl has lost numerous babies. With the last one she also lost an ovary and we nearly lost her. But I have found that there is a place in God that we can go, it is the Holy of Holies. At that place of brokenness we can say, "It is well, with my soul." I am so thankful that you have found that place. Love and prayers to you!
ReplyDeleteSis. Whitmire