My name is Lindsey, and I battled mild depression for years. This will probably come as a shock to some, but it is so very true. I was never medically diagnosed with depression, although had I shown outwardly what I was feeling I would surely have been placed on some kind of anxiety medication. It all started years ago....
When you're 13 you think you've got the world figured out. You are a teenager now after all, and teens lead the most exciting lives, right? Eh, not entirely. I was 13 going on 30. I had a lot going for me, a stable home life, good church, school was going well, I had plenty of friends, and was even somewhat popular among my peers. Yet, something kept eating at me. A little voice in the back of my head that told me I wasn't good enough. I allowed that "spirit" to control my attitude towards other people. It was terrible.
Outwardly, you would have never known a thing was wrong. I had the world on a string, and everything was perfect. Ah, there's that ugly word... Perfect. The word I thought I would never live up to. The word that literally haunted me every single day. You see, I didn't have name brand clothes and purses like some girls... I must not be perfect. I didn't have a clear complexion like other girls... I'm certainly not perfect. There was (like every young girl) that one boy who I thought about every waking moment but I would never have, why? Because I wasn't perfect. Perfection became my worst enemy. I resented anyone who had it all together and inwardly longed to have the same things they had. I was desperate to be seen as the epitome of perfect. By the time I turned 14 I had already contemplated what the world would be like had I never been born. That voice that snuck its way back into my dreams and daily thoughts told me there was no use for someone like me... I should end things now before they got worse. I had lost my best friend, because of other circumstances, but I blamed myself because I wasn't perfect. I had myself convinced that the world would be a better place without me in it. It was one of the darkest periods in my life.
Rejection came next, I had prayed and felt like God was ignoring me because I wasn't worthy of him. I tried dressing differently to please other people and possibly fit in with the older crowd only to find myself crying to sleep because they had no time for me. The boy I had dreamed of liking me for years had moved on to bigger and better things and I was left feeling the worst pain a young girl could feel. No one knew. No one saw the tear stained pages that read "I hate myself". No one heard me crying in the middle of the afternoon. I would get lost in thought in the middle of the day and excuse myself to the restroom just to look at my reflection in the mirror and pick out every flaw. I had become addicted to perfection. 15 came, and went, along with a relationship with a great guy that I didn't deserve at the time. Then 16, my parents, for my birthday, set me up with an orthodontist because I wanted a perfect smile. Over the previous months I had put on a few pounds and when I started the braces process I dropped weight pretty quickly because of not being able to eat due to sore teeth. I noticed myself getting slimmer and sometimes would fake a toothache so I didn't have to eat, or would get away with just drinking a meal replacement shake. I went from 165lbs to 125lbs in a month.
I then took to laying out during the warmer months so I could get that sun kissed glow. I, again, was striving for perfection. I got down to about 120lbs before I plateaued and couldn't drop anymore weight. I could now share clothes with my size 00 older sister. 120lbs may not sound like a big deal, but on my 5'6" - 7" frame - it was. I finally looked like the person I always wanted to see in the mirror. Skin and bones with a perfect tan complexion. Only, still, something was missing. I resorted to flirting with whichever guy would look my way at the time... Which at the end of the day left me in tears because I didn't really like any of them.
I was so empty. I prayed to God for him to help me through this mess I was in and I never realized he was right there with me all along.
In October of 2009 a guy named Noah stepped into my flawed world and was in awe over how.... Perfect.... I was. Me? P-p- perfect? Ha! The thought was too much. As weeks passed and I got to know him more I quickly realize that what I saw as imperfections he, and more importantly, God, saw as absolutely flawless. A warmth unlike any other flooded my heart and my mind and I became broken before God. How could I have missed this all along? Our relationship grew an together we encouraged one another and found ourselves closer to God than ever before. God had taken my broken pieces, and Noah's, and blended them together to create the most beautiful of masterpieces.
Now, Noah and I are very happily married and living our lives as a testimony of what God can do. Looking back I realize that had I not gone through all that heartache, I would never have been broken enough to relate to Noah... Had Noah not been through what he had, he never would have been able to relate to me and help me out of the funk I found myself in. The moral of this story? Well, it's simple really...
God takes us through some things that we don't understand and takes us to places we never wanted to go not to harm us, but to form us into just the right material for someone else's miracle. We may not realize at the time just who our life will impact further down the road. So don't give up. Don't give in to those lying voices. Keep on believing. There is a light at the end of the tunnel... and a blessing waiting for you there.
I hope my testimony had ignited something in your soul that inspires you to keep on moving. God has a perfect plan for your life.
Follow me on twitter: @mrsstrawn11
Follow me on Instagram: @lindsey_strawn
Find me on Facebook: www.facebook.com/Lindsey.strawn
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